To be or not to be

Lately, I've been going through this weird phase where I'm not entirely certain I actually exist. Okay, I am alive, I am breathing, maintaining the basic daily functions in my life ... But that's pretty much it.

I just sort of paused everything I've been doing, and let time pass me by while I sit around, phone in hands. Brain off.
I thought I will have learned some Korean by now. Found a job. Watched series, movies, and read like I always do before sleep. Started jogging or doing any sort of exercise. Maybe worked on something creatice and mentally stimulating.

But it seems I just stopped doing them altogether. The little things that kept me going through the day - gone. The days and weeks just flow peacefully one into another with an occasional exciting moment somewere in between, but that's it. It's not even that I'm in a bad place. I'm just not sure where I am right now. In some kind of weird bubble of hibernation, and I didn't even realize it.

All I know is I have to get out of it.

ASAP.

But first - sleep ✌

Don't know

As someone who still lives with her Mom and sis, I often crave a couple of days of being home alone. No specific reason, usually, just need a bit of me-time to "rule" the house.

And it so happens that for the next few days, I will be doing just that. The problem is that this me-time quickly turns into lonely-time. I don't mind being on my own for a while, even prefer it like that. But as soon as the house emptied, I felt that weird feeling creeping in. Can't really explain it. I suddenly don't feel like doing anything, nothing will grab my interest. I can't really go hang out because I have to study for tomorrow's (last!) exam. Maybe I should go do that, and thus fill in the "what-to-do" hollow feeling.

But still. I start craving having someone by side, which mainly ain't that much of an issue. But right now ... Eh, I don't know.
Apparently I would do anything to avoid my Spanish Verb notes. :)

Off to that, then.

X

My, my, how the time does fly

Today marks 1 year since my departure from Zagreb airport, Madrid-bound, to start my first big adventure. The Erasmus student exchange in Alcalá de Henares, from September to February. I still remember how excited I was at the prospect of finally experiencing some independence, being thrown into an unfamiliar environment, being forced to meet new people from all kinds of background. And, well, to study abroad. But that was just a side necessity ;)

The day before my scheduled flight, I woke up feeling bad. Like, really bad. If I could, I would've sent it all to hell and hid under the blankets and sleep for a week. My mom and sister tried to make the best of my last day at home, so they took me to Bled, a beautiful town in northern Slovenia, one of my favourite places. But it didn't work that day. I still felt as shit. I don't really know why, to be honest. I suddenly got scared that the whole exchange would suck, and I would hate it, and it meant more work and complications ... Which doesn't stand well with me. But as the day went by, I started to feel a bit better. I spent the evening watching a movie with the fam, clutching to my momma like a kid before their first day at kindergarten.

The next day I felt ready to go and let myself be washed over with anticipation, banning all the dark thoughts from my head.
In the mid-pm hours, my plane took off, and there was no turning back. Which was fortunate, since I was about to embark on a journey of the best months in my life. New city, new people, new experiences which can never be taken away from me or experienced again.

And I can't believe it's been a year already. Seriously, just moments ago I was in the middle of my room, stuffing all kinds of stuff into my already bursting suitcase. And now, a year has gone by. Man.

This year, instead of facing a packed suitcase, I'm facing a packed month. Packed with exams.

So, I better leave it at that and go face my notes. (With a little less anticipation, though.)

Toodles!

Hi, I'm a whiny lil' brat

It's official. The exam period is messing with my head. Literally.
I am waking up to a banging in my head, which may or may not continue throughout the day, despite all the caffeine kindly rushing to my rescue.

I have trouble sleeping. I either can't fall asleep for a long time, being kept awake by sudden surges of panic and worst-case scenarios, concerning all of the s**t that has piled up, or I dream so intensely that I wake up completely worn out. And sleep is supposed to be my temporary escape
Thanks a lot.

My mood keeps swinging from "F**k this shit" to "C'mon, you can do it, no biggie".

It's tiring.
As is most of the things these days.
I just really need to get it together and pull through.
(Man, it sounds so good in theory.. )

Well, inspite of all the negativity and cussing, there is always a part of me that believes I will make it somehow. So cheers to that tiny optimistic fella that keeps me going.

(If the incessant questions of "How's your studying going?" don't drive me insane. Fingers crossed.)

X

Dr Google

Lately, I've found myself looking for medical explanations for the way I am.
Okay, that came off a tad weird.

But here's how it is. When I was going through my low moods, I turned on my computer and googled the clinical depression symptoms. Luckily, I wasn't a sufficient match.

When thinking about my "social awkwardness", I wondered whether there could be something more to it, and I was taking my "condition" too lightly. Again, I turned to Mr Google for answers. And again, my theory was overthrown. Apparently, I am just a shy person who needs to force herself to spend more time around people and thus gain social skills.

This morning, when I woke up to a headache and unrested, like many times before, I grabbed my phone, and, guess what, turned to Google  again. Yes, I realize you can go from headache to brain tumor in two clicks, but it wasn't normal for me to feel tired all the time; when I wake up, during the day, and early into the night. So I tried to find a proper reason for my lack of wakeness. As it turns out, I'm not nearly enought tired to qualify for "chronic fatigue". Oh, well.

So I had to accept the fact that this is just my way of dealing with stress that comes with the exam period for which I haven't been exactly preparing as planned.
Which means I only have to change my attitude and work ethic, and I should be fine.

I wonder if Google can help me out with this one.

I'm too old for this s**t

I'm too old for this shit, I tell myself while being crammed up in a relatively small space with a relatively huge crowd of people. Sweaty, smelly bodies all grinding against one another involuntarily, people pushing their way through them at all times. I lose my balance every few mintues, someone just stepped on my feet, nasty drinks spilling all over the place.
And people wonder why I'm getting more and more reluctant to go out.
I'm too old for this shit.

OK, I could somehow handle the initial shock, getting to the club and spotting a long queue of people waiting to enter. Is the whole damn city here tonight? Me and my best friend took the best of the situation and made friends with a small grou'p in front of us. We ended up drinking and dancing together all night, so that was cool. A nice lot.
So I'll just get drunk and won't care about the fact that I can't breathe or move. That was my line of thought. Except that in the end, the drinks were pretty darn weak, and didn't do the trick. I could do one thing, though ... Sweat. A lot.
The music was ok, but soon my ankles and my feet began hurting. The bass was so strong,it felt as if the speaker was inside me. At first I loved it, but then it just got super uncomfortable and strange. And the fact that I didn't know most of the songs might've contributed to my lower "party-mood". I sad it before, and I'll say it again - the answer is tequila! If only I could stomach it. I wanted to give it a fair shot, since it's been a while, but then as an answer to my indecisiveness, someone spilled some on my arm. The smell made me, well, sick. And then the whole bar got spilt with it, and that was a definite, final NO-NO. Oh, well. Probably got me out of spending the night on the bathroom floor, clinging onto the toilet.

Around 3am, the party mood wore off completely, and I was left with a forced smile, trying to appear as if I still have strength and will left for anything else that isn't nosediving into my bed. Luckily, at that point, my friend suggested we slowly took off. God bless.
We found a cab, and when we told him our destination, he seemed pelased.
"Oh, yeah? You guys came just in the right moment. I live near-by, so after I drop you off, I'm going home, too. I've had enough for today."

You and me both, brother, you and me both.

Rainy midnight

Gosh, it's been quite a while, hasn't it?

Well, what better time to revive my feeble attempt at blogging than at midnight on the day of my exam. The merry season is upon us again. Or at least upon the likes of myself, who can't get their act together soon enough to enjoy a carefree holiday.
That would be just waaaay to boring, I guess.

But just to think how this time one year ago, I was in idle preparation for my 5-month student exchange to Spain. Ugh. So full of anticipation and excitement (and also slight depression), waiting to be flown into the unknown, all on my own, ready to take on the indepedency process. And I did it quite well.

Except that I came back home in February, and been caught in a slump ever since. I didn't follow up on my studies. I didn't get a summer job. I hardly did anything but binge watch series and read. And feel sorry for myself. Which is okay ... Every now and then. It is not okay, however, when this becomes a lifestyle. This isn't even a comfort zone anymore, it's straight up hide-and-seek. I'm hiding away from the responisibilities that a 20-sth girl should take on. My procrastinating abilities are like no other, believe me. I always used to postpone obligations till the very last minute, I'm not denying that, but lately it's not so much postponing them as it is straight up ignoring them. And time just keeps running out. And I don't understand how I keep trusting myself when I decide I will definitely do things differently from now, I will do them on time.

Yet, I never do.

So instead of actually preparing for my exam in 13 hours, I rather opted for updating my blog that's gone without a post for years.
Oh well. At least something made me do it.

Cheers x
And wish me luck!