Same old, same old

You know it ain't the best of days when you can't answer the phone because the person on the other end of the line would have known you had been crying.

I don't think my best friend would have believed me if I'd told her I had caught cold in that one hour since we last spoke.
But hey, she at least inspired this introduction.
(Silver lining or something?)

Oh, why am I crying, you wonder?
So do I.
So do I.

It's been a while since I had those days when out of the blue I feel a lump in my chest and just start weeping, which soon turns into loud sobbing (if I'm lucky enough to be home alone).
There is no specific reason to it. I guess I just needed cure for my dry eyes. Be careful what you wish for.

But while crying, I start thinking of possible reasons for it. Right now, prevails the existential crisis. Or, better known as "What the fuck am I doing with my life?"
I am no stranger to that one, believe you me. Some days I just don't think about it and I'm doing fine. Then, other day this empty, cul-de-sac feeling hits me (like a wreeeeecking baaaaall).
And I realize I spend most of my days just getting by. I distract myself with minor joys, which is all very well, but ... Shouldn't I have some goals in mind? Like, proper goals.
Not just barely completing one task and feeling as if I'd conquered the world, for which I reward myself with food&chill for 8 days straight.

I don't think, that's how the world works.
Not that I want the world. But I just want to be able to work towards something, and work with passion. Start creating a life that I want.
But the again, what do I really want?

And why is it so damn hard for me to get my ass off the couch and actually do something?
Even being among people sometimes exhausts me.
Although, being on my own for too long ain't working out either.

There's a riddle for ya, Nothing you haven't heard before.
Just another lost girl in a big, big world.

Hope I make a way for myself rather sooner than later.

And stick to a deadline for once in my life,


Peace out x

The Crazy Cat Lady

Houston, I have a problem with that.
I'm not really into cats.

So this whole idea of becoming a crazy cat lady doesn't really work for me right from the start (setting aside all that not-wanting-to-end-up-alone extravaganza).

I've been giving the whole idea of love and partnership a lot of thought. At least lately.

As a kid, I didn't really question it but I had rather internalized the socially accepted idea of it. You grow up, meet a special someone, get married, and start a family. Piece of cake!

A few years had passed. I started to get the taste of the "dating world". Nothing major but enough to make me see why adults don't buy the sweet fairytales the popular culture tries to sell us on a daily basis. And why maybe I didn't want to get married at all, if every third marriage ended up in divorce (excuse my ishy knowledge of the marriage statistics). Hey, I don't even need a man (to make it happen, I'll get up, do my thing..na na na). Songs that empower a woman's independence were on the rise. Single Ladies, (before mentioned) I Don't Need a Man. It was a whole new concept to me. Maybe I didn't even feel like starting a family, ever. I questioned everything that before had seemed like something that would eventually happen, 100%.

Now, at the age of 23, I try to balance both views into one flexible perspective. I do feel strongly about a woman's independence and empowerment. I fully suppprt it and aspire to become a woman like that one day. I want to work on myself without being defined by another person. As an introvert, I don't mind spending time alone, I even prefer it. But sometimes it gets lonely. And despite hoping to build up my individuality rather sooner than later, I still want that special someone beside me. Someone to make me feel loved. To make me feel safe.
Not something a 21st century young adult female should be saying, huh?

But to each, their own. I know I wasn't born to walk my path alone. I need a partner by my side. Maybe not my other half, but another wholesome person with whom I would create a brand new entity. You know?

It's late. I might be making absolutely no sense. But that's okay. My train of thounght confuses me, as well. ;-)

Good night, loves xx ♡

Happy 2o16!

New year, new me.

Right. When the clock strikes midnight, every pumpkin in town turns to a fancy-ass carriage.

Or something along the lines.

Not trying to be too cynical, honestly, but I don't see why this precise date- 31st of December - should mark a new beginning. It's a nice thought, obviously. Starting fresh.

But usually you end up in the same place, and you feel bitter about it. Like, how can I still be here when it's a new year? 

It's a bit silly, when you think about it like that, isn't it?

The thing we forget is that every frigging day can mark that new year magic for us.

That's why I didn't write down any resolutions that I would begin fulfilling for a week or two and then casually slide back to my old pit

When I really make a decision to change, when I've had enough, that's when I'll make a list of resolutions. 

May it be 3rd of May (ha!) or 13th of September.

Hopefully sooner, though.

My New Year didn't start off with a boom. Thursday cunningly turned into Friday without any special announcments. And so, life goes on.

As it should.

Although, I sincerely, most deeply wish I pull myself together this year.

My best friend put it well - 2016 will go down according to what we do about it. Of course, a little magic never hurt no one (that's probably a lie but let's pretend it makes sense), but at the end of the day, we carry most of the responsibility for the course of our life ship, or life ...erm...let's stick with ship. 

We are what we do every day.

Not sure whose words I am shamelessly borrowing, but they make a fair point.
And every day is a new chance to start that change. I usually pass it up for a good book and a cuppa joe. Which is great. But years of experience have taught me that this is only enjoyable when it's a bit of stolen time from otherwise a "busy" schedule. And I will try to fill it with something I love doing. I have to start planning my near future, because otherwise the course of life will take me somewhere random.
And that's not always good. I realize that at 23, I have to start owning up to my actions and take control of my life.
(Wow, that's some solid talk. Too bad that's mostly it...talk.)

Anyways, this is quickly turning into some mumble jumble, keeping me away from the actual work I have to do. Old habits die hard, people.

Procrastionation is my biggest vice. And it's getting out of control. I definitely need to improve in that area. (I shall begin by slowly placing one of the final dots on this post).

Either way, feels good to write a bit of something for my "soul" after a while.


Let's make this year best one yet! (2014, 2015, 2016 will definitely be my year ;))


bissous xxx

To be or not to be

Lately, I've been going through this weird phase where I'm not entirely certain I actually exist. Okay, I am alive, I am breathing, maintaining the basic daily functions in my life ... But that's pretty much it.

I just sort of paused everything I've been doing, and let time pass me by while I sit around, phone in hands. Brain off.
I thought I will have learned some Korean by now. Found a job. Watched series, movies, and read like I always do before sleep. Started jogging or doing any sort of exercise. Maybe worked on something creatice and mentally stimulating.

But it seems I just stopped doing them altogether. The little things that kept me going through the day - gone. The days and weeks just flow peacefully one into another with an occasional exciting moment somewere in between, but that's it. It's not even that I'm in a bad place. I'm just not sure where I am right now. In some kind of weird bubble of hibernation, and I didn't even realize it.

All I know is I have to get out of it.

ASAP.

But first - sleep ✌

Don't know

As someone who still lives with her Mom and sis, I often crave a couple of days of being home alone. No specific reason, usually, just need a bit of me-time to "rule" the house.

And it so happens that for the next few days, I will be doing just that. The problem is that this me-time quickly turns into lonely-time. I don't mind being on my own for a while, even prefer it like that. But as soon as the house emptied, I felt that weird feeling creeping in. Can't really explain it. I suddenly don't feel like doing anything, nothing will grab my interest. I can't really go hang out because I have to study for tomorrow's (last!) exam. Maybe I should go do that, and thus fill in the "what-to-do" hollow feeling.

But still. I start craving having someone by side, which mainly ain't that much of an issue. But right now ... Eh, I don't know.
Apparently I would do anything to avoid my Spanish Verb notes. :)

Off to that, then.

X

My, my, how the time does fly

Today marks 1 year since my departure from Zagreb airport, Madrid-bound, to start my first big adventure. The Erasmus student exchange in Alcalá de Henares, from September to February. I still remember how excited I was at the prospect of finally experiencing some independence, being thrown into an unfamiliar environment, being forced to meet new people from all kinds of background. And, well, to study abroad. But that was just a side necessity ;)

The day before my scheduled flight, I woke up feeling bad. Like, really bad. If I could, I would've sent it all to hell and hid under the blankets and sleep for a week. My mom and sister tried to make the best of my last day at home, so they took me to Bled, a beautiful town in northern Slovenia, one of my favourite places. But it didn't work that day. I still felt as shit. I don't really know why, to be honest. I suddenly got scared that the whole exchange would suck, and I would hate it, and it meant more work and complications ... Which doesn't stand well with me. But as the day went by, I started to feel a bit better. I spent the evening watching a movie with the fam, clutching to my momma like a kid before their first day at kindergarten.

The next day I felt ready to go and let myself be washed over with anticipation, banning all the dark thoughts from my head.
In the mid-pm hours, my plane took off, and there was no turning back. Which was fortunate, since I was about to embark on a journey of the best months in my life. New city, new people, new experiences which can never be taken away from me or experienced again.

And I can't believe it's been a year already. Seriously, just moments ago I was in the middle of my room, stuffing all kinds of stuff into my already bursting suitcase. And now, a year has gone by. Man.

This year, instead of facing a packed suitcase, I'm facing a packed month. Packed with exams.

So, I better leave it at that and go face my notes. (With a little less anticipation, though.)

Toodles!

Hi, I'm a whiny lil' brat

It's official. The exam period is messing with my head. Literally.
I am waking up to a banging in my head, which may or may not continue throughout the day, despite all the caffeine kindly rushing to my rescue.

I have trouble sleeping. I either can't fall asleep for a long time, being kept awake by sudden surges of panic and worst-case scenarios, concerning all of the s**t that has piled up, or I dream so intensely that I wake up completely worn out. And sleep is supposed to be my temporary escape
Thanks a lot.

My mood keeps swinging from "F**k this shit" to "C'mon, you can do it, no biggie".

It's tiring.
As is most of the things these days.
I just really need to get it together and pull through.
(Man, it sounds so good in theory.. )

Well, inspite of all the negativity and cussing, there is always a part of me that believes I will make it somehow. So cheers to that tiny optimistic fella that keeps me going.

(If the incessant questions of "How's your studying going?" don't drive me insane. Fingers crossed.)

X