Same old, same old

You know it ain't the best of days when you can't answer the phone because the person on the other end of the line would have known you had been crying.

I don't think my best friend would have believed me if I'd told her I had caught cold in that one hour since we last spoke.
But hey, she at least inspired this introduction.
(Silver lining or something?)

Oh, why am I crying, you wonder?
So do I.
So do I.

It's been a while since I had those days when out of the blue I feel a lump in my chest and just start weeping, which soon turns into loud sobbing (if I'm lucky enough to be home alone).
There is no specific reason to it. I guess I just needed cure for my dry eyes. Be careful what you wish for.

But while crying, I start thinking of possible reasons for it. Right now, prevails the existential crisis. Or, better known as "What the fuck am I doing with my life?"
I am no stranger to that one, believe you me. Some days I just don't think about it and I'm doing fine. Then, other day this empty, cul-de-sac feeling hits me (like a wreeeeecking baaaaall).
And I realize I spend most of my days just getting by. I distract myself with minor joys, which is all very well, but ... Shouldn't I have some goals in mind? Like, proper goals.
Not just barely completing one task and feeling as if I'd conquered the world, for which I reward myself with food&chill for 8 days straight.

I don't think, that's how the world works.
Not that I want the world. But I just want to be able to work towards something, and work with passion. Start creating a life that I want.
But the again, what do I really want?

And why is it so damn hard for me to get my ass off the couch and actually do something?
Even being among people sometimes exhausts me.
Although, being on my own for too long ain't working out either.

There's a riddle for ya, Nothing you haven't heard before.
Just another lost girl in a big, big world.

Hope I make a way for myself rather sooner than later.

And stick to a deadline for once in my life,


Peace out x